Peace

As I mentioned earlier this week, on Saturday our church had a day of prayer and fasting.

I was looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.

I was prepared to be so hungry that I would feel nauseous,
 I get hungry on Sunday mornings after the service never mind not eating for 24 hours!
 Mr. B and I had a big dinner at Longhorns to try and fill us up- which I am sure is exactly what they did in the Bible too btw.
I am assuming that is probably one the things you're not supposed to do before a fast,
 maybe it's a dinner that makes you more hungry the next day.
I don't know.
It just typically seems like good food is usually bad for you in some form.
That's the way life works.

Anyways, aside from the no eating {I brought gatorade and different flavored gums},
I was dreading the tears that I knew would come. 

In front of everyone.

We go to a small church of just 40-50 people, on Wednesday nights they have prayer and since September I have been putting off going
a. because I am tired
b. I was hoping that next month I would be pregnant and not have to go. 

There was always a next time.

This Saturday was a full day event and one that they really urged everyone to attend. 

So this was it. 

Two nights before, we found out some information about a family member that really broke us down and created for a very emotional night. 

It was sort of one of those cycles were you go from shocked to angry to jealous to sad over and over. 

I didn't cry that night though.

On Friday I felt I needed to cry, the tears were right there.
 I didn't want to stuff them in anymore,
but I was watching the babies and it wasn't the right time to cry.

So as you can imagine, come Saturday...I was a mess.

By the first worship song the tears were coming.

I was dreading this.

I'm an ugly crier.

I hate crying in front of people.

But my tears were coming and I couldn't stop them. 

I wished I would've gotten them out before so that it wouldn't be all bottled up and in overdrive.

But I didn't.

Through these tears,

through worship,

and through prayer,

I was really challenged to stop asking "Why?"

"Why me?"

"Why her"

"Why is it taking so long?"

"Why does it say He will give you the desires of your heart?"

"Why does it say Ask and you shall receive?"

"Why do I always see everything as the glass half-empty?"

Instead, I need to start asking 

"What is the Lord trying to teach me?"

"How can He use me through this?"

"What am I learning?"

I need to find hope and encouragement through the scriptures, instead of doubt. 

Instead of thinking...my desire hasn't been fulfilled.

My request hasn't been answered.

In my time.

That's the key. 

That's the part I hate.

That's my sinful nature.

I want it now. 

I want it in my time.

In my plan.

Not in the God's perfect timing.

And I know I have heard it a million and one times.

I know in my heart it's what I truly believe.

But it's time to believing in my mind.

And my actions.

And my words.

There was a popular scripture that kept coming to my mind on Saturday.
Phillipians 4:7

"Peace that passes all understanding"

A phrase that I have heard numerous times.

A phrase that I have said over and over " I have peace knowing that the Lord knows what's best".
Blah. Blah. Blah.

But when you think about how powerful those words are.

How true they are.

That the Lord allows us to be clothed in that peace.

The peace that comes even when we don't understand.

Even when it's hard to understand.

Our plans are not always His.

Our time is not always His.

But he has blessed us with a blanket of peace for when those times come.

It's always there.

We need to be open to receive it.

To fully bask in it.

It has been so refreshing. 

Shortly after my eyes were opened in that aspect,
it was time.

Time for those who wanted  prayer and/or healing to be prayed for. 

The tears had previously been flowing. 

I was finally put back together.

But not for long.

I was prayed for during the song "Healer".

One of my favorites.

How can any not cry to that song in a setting like this??

Those who were praying were crying.

I was sobbing.

My mom was crying.

That's how crazy this was. Mama G never cries!

I tend to thing I got double the dose of emotions for the both of us.

I am so blessed to be a part of the body of Christ.

To have people in my life who cry out  to the Lord on my behalf. 

To not just pray that I will get pregnant now.

That the Lord would open my womb now.

But to do it in His time.

To declare that it would be in His time.

To pray for strength, comfort and of course, peace.

So as much as I hope with all my heart that this is where I needed to be.

As much as I believe in the power of prayer. 

As much as a long for this to be the month.

I know that if it isn't I will be strong.

I have accepted that peace that passes all understanding.

I will continue to search deeper into what it is the Lord wants from me now.

To be content with where he has me now. 

And to be all that he has called me to be.

When I am so focused on what is not happening, the merry go round of emotions, looking at the glass half-empty, filled with bitterness and jealousy;

I am taking away from all the Lord has called me to be. 

All He has created me to be.

All the He can use me for. 

So that is my book,

if you've made it this far- congrats!

I will be honest, I tend to skip over a lot of long posts like this. 

But I hope and pray that it can also encourage some of you, too.

It is always so cool when the Lord reveals new things to you, 

even when it's not always a new concept. 

It's rejuvenating and exactly what I needed.

I felt like in a way I was running away from the fact that this was really happening.

Searching for ways to fix it.

When what I need to do rejoice in the question "Why, God?"

instead of mourning "Why, God?"

Same question.

Completely different emotions.

Different attitude.

Different view of God.
Different sense of peace.

So peaceful.