A Year...

with longing,

with tears,

with questions,

with dreams,

with fears,

with struggling to be content,

with forced smiles,

with short answers,

with anger,

with sadness,

with frustrations, 

with joy,

with peace,

with hope. 

I didn't post as much this time around on our journey to Baby #2. 

But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard.

And in some ways it was even harder. 

On one hand, this time was easier because my expectations were set.

Or so I thought.

Of course, deep down I was pleading and begging with the Lord that we miraculously and surprisingly wouldn't be back on that emotional roller coaster. 

But there we were.

And this one took a few extra laps. 

I remained extremely thankful for the sweet girl that we've been blessed with. 

She was definitely a wonderful and much needed distraction to get me through negative, after negative after negative.

And on the other hand, having her- the baby obsessed, born to be a big sister, girl that she is- made each  passing month just a little bit harder. 

Last time I struggled with anyone who was pregnant, I thought this time would be a little easier because I was pregnant before and I already had my baby.

And then I found myself struggling with families with multiple kids, especially multiple kids close in age. 

This time around I had moments of sadness and tears, but I tried hard to stay strong, keep it together and positive as long as I could.

And then have a big break down pity party and regroup to take on the next several months. 

This time around I didn't struggle as much with my feelings of anger or frustrations towards God. 

It was more towards the idea of having to re-evualte what I had dreamed and envisioned our family to be like. 

As each month passed by, I had to face the reality that maybe that's not what the Lord has planned for us after all. 

And that hurt. 

I tried hard to be content.

To be thankful and confident in God's plan for our lives and family, regardless of the dreams I had for a larger family. 

And try to remember that God knows, God put those desires in my heart. 

He is faithful. 

Maybe our larger family will come in a different way than I had thought.

And that's okay.

I also reminded myself that the older Adalyn got the more helpful she would be. 

That was one of the few positives I had to hold on to! 

And of course, knowing that God is in control. 

That He knows the perfect addition to our family and it will come in His time.

Something that is so hard and you wish you only had to experience one time, but again…God has other plans! 

The Lord continues to work on our testimony. 

These babies strengthen our faith and our relationship with Jesus and each other. 

These babies demonstrate His goodness, faithfulness and provision and we have nothing to do, but seek His face and give him the glory every step of the way!

If you're struggling with infertility, I have a secret group on Facebook with a wonderful group of women- send me your email if you'd like an invite. Please know you're not alone, you're never alone. Your thoughts and feelings (that you have little to no control over!) are normal and okay to have. And remember, He is faithful.