A Year...

with longing,

with tears,

with questions,

with dreams,

with fears,

with struggling to be content,

with forced smiles,

with short answers,

with anger,

with sadness,

with frustrations, 

with joy,

with peace,

with hope. 

I didn't post as much this time around on our journey to Baby #2. 

But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard.

And in some ways it was even harder. 

On one hand, this time was easier because my expectations were set.

Or so I thought.

Of course, deep down I was pleading and begging with the Lord that we miraculously and surprisingly wouldn't be back on that emotional roller coaster. 

But there we were.

And this one took a few extra laps. 

I remained extremely thankful for the sweet girl that we've been blessed with. 

She was definitely a wonderful and much needed distraction to get me through negative, after negative after negative.

And on the other hand, having her- the baby obsessed, born to be a big sister, girl that she is- made each  passing month just a little bit harder. 

Last time I struggled with anyone who was pregnant, I thought this time would be a little easier because I was pregnant before and I already had my baby.

And then I found myself struggling with families with multiple kids, especially multiple kids close in age. 

This time around I had moments of sadness and tears, but I tried hard to stay strong, keep it together and positive as long as I could.

And then have a big break down pity party and regroup to take on the next several months. 

This time around I didn't struggle as much with my feelings of anger or frustrations towards God. 

It was more towards the idea of having to re-evualte what I had dreamed and envisioned our family to be like. 

As each month passed by, I had to face the reality that maybe that's not what the Lord has planned for us after all. 

And that hurt. 

I tried hard to be content.

To be thankful and confident in God's plan for our lives and family, regardless of the dreams I had for a larger family. 

And try to remember that God knows, God put those desires in my heart. 

He is faithful. 

Maybe our larger family will come in a different way than I had thought.

And that's okay.

I also reminded myself that the older Adalyn got the more helpful she would be. 

That was one of the few positives I had to hold on to! 

And of course, knowing that God is in control. 

That He knows the perfect addition to our family and it will come in His time.

Something that is so hard and you wish you only had to experience one time, but again…God has other plans! 

The Lord continues to work on our testimony. 

These babies strengthen our faith and our relationship with Jesus and each other. 

These babies demonstrate His goodness, faithfulness and provision and we have nothing to do, but seek His face and give him the glory every step of the way!

If you're struggling with infertility, I have a secret group on Facebook with a wonderful group of women- send me your email if you'd like an invite. Please know you're not alone, you're never alone. Your thoughts and feelings (that you have little to no control over!) are normal and okay to have. And remember, He is faithful. 

Celebrating the 4th….

We are so happy to announce that, in His time, the Lord has chosen the perfect addition to our family!

{finally! :) } 

More details to come! 

{in}Fertile Friends

I am extremely behind on blogging.

It's ridiculous. 

Pre-Adalyn time seemed to go by fairly quickly.

Post-Adalyn time literally {literally} flies bye. 

Bzzzzz. Gone. 

Just like that.

Having a blog {and not keeping up with it} basically multiplies how fast time goes by by approximately 100.

I'm not kidding.

I'm thinking my best bet is to focus on a few big things that happened that I missed and then from here on out get back in to the swing of things with day to day life. 

But until I do that and can even figure out where to start with that,  I wanted a post to be specifically for a little group I created on Facebook. 

I've mentioned it before recently, but this is a specific post/invite to join.

I actually created this group when I was trying to get pregnant with Adalyn and praise the Lord all of the girls who were a part of that group ended up getting pregnant at some point!!

So here we are again with baby #2. 

In the same boat.

The boat I was dreading. 

Actually, this boat is worse because it's going on an even longer journey (almost a year), but it comes with a sweet awesome little distraction- thank you, Lord.

I was just saying today that she has no idea how much she helps me get through this. 

I am so so thankful for her. 

Roxie was my distraction when trying for Adalyn and I think it's pretty obvious that Adalyn takes the cake on this one!

So anyways this is a private group on Facebook- so no one can see anything unless they are a part of it. 

And it's just a place to vent, whine, get advice, request prayer, encourage etc. 

Infertility sucks.

Big time.

And it's something that most people truly don't understand until they've been there. 

Connecting with others who are going through the same thing is really valuable!

It's certainly not a group I wish I were a part of or a group I want anyone to be a part of, but this is the journey the Lord has us on and I try my hardest {some days are worse than others} to look at it as an opportunity to connect, to strengthen our walk and our faith, to know it's a part of our story and a testament to His faithfulness. 

He is faithful and we are believing. 

And in the meantime, I'm venting about how everyone around me is pregnant or having babies and how evil digital pregnancy tests are.

If you're not familiar, you wait for an eternity while you stare at a little flashing timer, you stare so long that you begin to wonder if the little hand is starting to move and then you're given the result:

 "Not pregnant." 

Yeah. I'm good.

I'll stick with one solid dark line, pleaseandthankyou.

I love the {awesomely overplayed} song Oceans by Hillsong- one part in particular has been standing out to me lately:

He's never failed me.

And He won't start now.

He knows who the perfect addition to our family and when the time is right. 

And until that time comes, I will limit my waaaaahhhs, ughhhhhhhhhs and 9u389uitwygjfbhjabf!!!!s and work on my praise for what he has blessed me with. 

Sooo if you'd like to join and connect with some sweet ladies with the same desires and frustrations as you- just comment with your email or send me an email: thesmellylife@gmail.com and I can send you an invite to the group and get you on my prayer list! 

And of course, for anyone not in this season of life, if you could keep me and the other ladies of the group in your prayers as well that would be wonderful!

                                                       Follow my blog with Bloglovin

The Blessing Box

Today I'm linking up with some of my favorite bloggers that have become my closest friends! This was originally Natalie's link up a few years ago and we are bringing it back with a new look and new friends. Copy the code at the end and feel free to join in and share the ways that God has been blessing you this week! I've had a post I've been wanting to write about for a while and today is the perfect opportunity. I've been wanting to write about the  blessing of worship music.  It's a wonderful reminder of truth and hope that brings so much joy, comfort and peace in all different seasons of life- particularly for me, the songs of declaration.  The song "Healer" is one of my all-time favorite songs. It was a song that I sang with confidence over and over when we failed to conceive month after month. 

This song was playing in the background as I cried out to the Lord, tears streaming down my face, hands laid on me, begging the Lord to "open my womb".  Two weeks later, I was pregnant.  As time drew closer for trying for baby #2 I would get waves of fear and dread. I didn't want to go through that again. But that song was always a reminder to me that He WAS my healer, He IS my healer and He will BE my healer.  I trust in Him. I do. Fear + worry= not trusting. I trust in Him. There's another Hillsong song, that we sing frequently at our church, that I hid in my heart before we officially started trying. There's a line in the song that I knew I would need.  That I knew would've encouraged me last time and I knew it would encourage me this time.  It's from the song "You are More"

There's so much peace that comes with knowing that He is Lord over ALL our days- no matter what.  And the best and easiest way to get through this season? With my eyes fixed on him.  Period. And lastly, a song that is my current fav and started the topic to this post, is a song I heard about a month ago by Chris Tomlin called "Whom shall I fear?".

Every line is so good, but here are a few that I love:

Ah-mazing.

Chills. Truth.

Blessed.

Blessed by His Promises. Blessed that He was faithful and He will be faithful again.  Blessed that He holds the world in His hands {notice a theme in the songs??}. Blessed that He knows my desires. I hold on to that truth. I take comfort; I let him hold me- my world, my wants, my needs, my desires, my family-in His hands.   I attached the song so you can get the full effect of how powerful this song really is :) 

Check out how God has been blessing my friends:

Natalie at Extraordinary Love 

 Allie at Living the Adventures 

 Beth Ann at My Life More Abundant 

 Mallorie at Happy Home

Cait at The Blessed Life

Grab the code and let your friends and family know how God has been blessing you! 

<a href="http://smelly-life.blogspot.com/"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib3SqkyEDGYIhjgNOxjZigNPkgAiQ3m9FVn_eTeCXDRLOqr87IAIn2uLYNM14ZjQPJZvJ1Rhz1QJTxCnnaL2kO8DFjFQsGR-I8RcNinirzTXpDv2C4yY5SQoRNC5Mghf1DB8t9KdDIURU/s320/the+blessing+box+10.jpg" width="320"></a>

Thursdays Thoughts

Yesterday we celebrated 4 years of marriage!! 

It feels much longer- in a good way!

We ordered take out from one of our favorite pizza places and snuggled with our favorite girl.

I love living life with these two and I wouldn't want to spend our night any differently. 

Okay, that a little bit of a lie.

But I do love living life with them!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I'm not pregnant. Again.

Happy Anniversary

On to take 3.....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Adalyn recently turned 20 months!!!

You better believe the party planning has started and I may or may not have already made some purchases. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Adalyn is officially potty trained, with the exception of night time. 

I will write a more detailed post soon, but she was ready and made it easy! 

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It's ridiculous how fast summer goes by. We only have a couple more times to enjoy the lake.

I'm thankful for seasons, I feel like they come at the perfect time. 

With the exception of winter. 

That's last wayyyy too long. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We love Puddle Jumpers. 

Best floaties. ever. ever. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I don't feel like cooking, but there's chicken in the fridge that will go bad if I don't.
Lame.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We had fun blueberry picking this morning. 

I enjoyed it so much more than strawberry picking.

Like, tons more. 

It was a little cool out and the perfect reminder of what's to come.

But not yet. 

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I never update my phone and the other day I finally did. 

And of course, now one of my lifeline favorite apps isn't working. 

If it ain't broke....

And now, Instagram is stuck on waiting. 

I've seriously tried every.thing. to fix it. 

Next up is to restore my phone to factory settings. 

In the meantime I feel like my life is stuck on waiting. 

I feel lost. 

I feel like everyone else is probably lost, too. 

No one knows where we are, what we are eating, what Adalyn is wearing...

Not sure how they're surviving, because I'm struggling. 

More than I should be....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I love that my parents have farm animals- feeding the goats with Mimi is something she looks forward to. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm in love with her and this picture

the end.

2WW {Round 2}.

Well that was fast.

I didn't even get another blog post in between by first 2ww- which is also slightly depressing btw. 

The good thing about TTC while having a toddler is you're so busy with: 

beach days

and strawberry picking days

and two year molar teething days

and big girl undies days

and pool days

and holidays

and days with sweet personalities

and days filled with drama

       

that there's really no time for me to have a pity party.

Oh yeah, and of course, that fact that someone can usually be found having a big enough pity party for the both of us. 

So the weeks pass by and I continue to remain hopeful.

I will continue to thank the Lord for our first miracle and the love and joy that she brings to us.

I continue to be confident that He not only knows the desires of my heart, He put them there. 

{thank you shereadstruth for that simple revelation}.

When you have a toddler there's really no drawn out 2ww.

So in the meantime, I will continue to watch the days pass by too quickly as our first baby turns into a big girl.

Always bittersweet.  

2WW.

Well, I'm officially back on the 2ww roller coaster.

Nearing the end actually.

Eeek.

If you don't know what "2ww" means... consider yourself very blessed! 

Not that I'm not blessed, because I so am.

But when it comes to fertility and the waiting game...2ww stinks.

Big time. 

It's filled with suspense.

Made up symptoms.

Hope.

Fear.

Moodiness. 

Over-analyzing. 

And wasted money.

I am a former POAS addict.

If you don't know what that means...see above. 

This month I'm trying not to be. 

And it's hard.

But I'm just not ready.

There's a fine line between being confident/hopeful and being doubtful.

Being optimistic and being real. 

I'm not expecting to get pregnant on the first try.

But I'm also not ready to see the negatives over and over again.

When trying for Adalyn I bought a big value pack of tests. 

You better believe I tested 6 days before I was due for my period every.time. every.day. for days.

You really better believe that I continued to test after getting my first positive

  a. for continued confirmation and 

b. it was so exciting to see two lines day after day.

I'm not ready to see the one line.

I'm okay with not getting pregnant in the first month- really, I am.

But a negative is a reminder that we are officially back on the roller coaster.

It's been a nice break. 

I wish I could turn my mind off.

I wish I could stop overanalyzing every.little.thing.

But I can't.

In the meantime,  I remind myself that my hope is in the Lord.

He knows my heart.

He knows the perfect time.

He will knit this baby in His time. 

He will.

For now, I'm buckled in and riding the ride. 

And thanking God for my first miracle that was in His time! 

Future Fertility {Problems}

Since Adalyn was about 6 months old we've been asked when we will have another. 

The older she gets the more real it becomes. 

And the more scared I get. 

Right now everyone around me is pregnant.

Seriously.

I can count on one hand who in my life is not pregnant. 

I can't help, but get a pit in my stomach when I think about trying to get pregnant.

I don't want to try. 

I don't want to be on that emotional roller coaster again. 

I just want it to happen. 

But when you're not on birth control and you're aware of your cycle...you know when you're fertile. 

And 2 weeks later you know that nothing happened. 

Even though you're not technically trying. 

But on the other hand, the more important hand, I know that God is in control.

I remind myself every single day, multiple times a day, that He hasn't given me a spirit of fear. 

{Which just so happened to be what our church sermon was about on Sunday- I felt like it was a nice reassurance for me.}

We are approaching the 2 year Anniversary to the Prayer Meeting that I believe the Lord healed me and opened my womb.

I know our faith was tested and strengthened.

But I really don't want to go through that again.

I know what we went through isn't even half as bad as what many do. 

But a negative test is a negative test no matter how long you try. 

I also know that it really doesn't matter what I want to happen.

What I plan. 

I know that I can only do so much. 

I know who holds my future. 

I do take comfort in that.

This time I have the expectation that it won't happen right away so I know that will help too.

But I'm still scared.

I'm still dreading it. 

I'm still trying really hard not to be fearful. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 is the perfect verse to get me through as we approach this "trying" season.

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

{The Message}

Peace

As I mentioned earlier this week, on Saturday our church had a day of prayer and fasting.

I was looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.

I was prepared to be so hungry that I would feel nauseous,
 I get hungry on Sunday mornings after the service never mind not eating for 24 hours!
 Mr. B and I had a big dinner at Longhorns to try and fill us up- which I am sure is exactly what they did in the Bible too btw.
I am assuming that is probably one the things you're not supposed to do before a fast,
 maybe it's a dinner that makes you more hungry the next day.
I don't know.
It just typically seems like good food is usually bad for you in some form.
That's the way life works.

Anyways, aside from the no eating {I brought gatorade and different flavored gums},
I was dreading the tears that I knew would come. 

In front of everyone.

We go to a small church of just 40-50 people, on Wednesday nights they have prayer and since September I have been putting off going
a. because I am tired
b. I was hoping that next month I would be pregnant and not have to go. 

There was always a next time.

This Saturday was a full day event and one that they really urged everyone to attend. 

So this was it. 

Two nights before, we found out some information about a family member that really broke us down and created for a very emotional night. 

It was sort of one of those cycles were you go from shocked to angry to jealous to sad over and over. 

I didn't cry that night though.

On Friday I felt I needed to cry, the tears were right there.
 I didn't want to stuff them in anymore,
but I was watching the babies and it wasn't the right time to cry.

So as you can imagine, come Saturday...I was a mess.

By the first worship song the tears were coming.

I was dreading this.

I'm an ugly crier.

I hate crying in front of people.

But my tears were coming and I couldn't stop them. 

I wished I would've gotten them out before so that it wouldn't be all bottled up and in overdrive.

But I didn't.

Through these tears,

through worship,

and through prayer,

I was really challenged to stop asking "Why?"

"Why me?"

"Why her"

"Why is it taking so long?"

"Why does it say He will give you the desires of your heart?"

"Why does it say Ask and you shall receive?"

"Why do I always see everything as the glass half-empty?"

Instead, I need to start asking 

"What is the Lord trying to teach me?"

"How can He use me through this?"

"What am I learning?"

I need to find hope and encouragement through the scriptures, instead of doubt. 

Instead of thinking...my desire hasn't been fulfilled.

My request hasn't been answered.

In my time.

That's the key. 

That's the part I hate.

That's my sinful nature.

I want it now. 

I want it in my time.

In my plan.

Not in the God's perfect timing.

And I know I have heard it a million and one times.

I know in my heart it's what I truly believe.

But it's time to believing in my mind.

And my actions.

And my words.

There was a popular scripture that kept coming to my mind on Saturday.
Phillipians 4:7

"Peace that passes all understanding"

A phrase that I have heard numerous times.

A phrase that I have said over and over " I have peace knowing that the Lord knows what's best".
Blah. Blah. Blah.

But when you think about how powerful those words are.

How true they are.

That the Lord allows us to be clothed in that peace.

The peace that comes even when we don't understand.

Even when it's hard to understand.

Our plans are not always His.

Our time is not always His.

But he has blessed us with a blanket of peace for when those times come.

It's always there.

We need to be open to receive it.

To fully bask in it.

It has been so refreshing. 

Shortly after my eyes were opened in that aspect,
it was time.

Time for those who wanted  prayer and/or healing to be prayed for. 

The tears had previously been flowing. 

I was finally put back together.

But not for long.

I was prayed for during the song "Healer".

One of my favorites.

How can any not cry to that song in a setting like this??

Those who were praying were crying.

I was sobbing.

My mom was crying.

That's how crazy this was. Mama G never cries!

I tend to thing I got double the dose of emotions for the both of us.

I am so blessed to be a part of the body of Christ.

To have people in my life who cry out  to the Lord on my behalf. 

To not just pray that I will get pregnant now.

That the Lord would open my womb now.

But to do it in His time.

To declare that it would be in His time.

To pray for strength, comfort and of course, peace.

So as much as I hope with all my heart that this is where I needed to be.

As much as I believe in the power of prayer. 

As much as a long for this to be the month.

I know that if it isn't I will be strong.

I have accepted that peace that passes all understanding.

I will continue to search deeper into what it is the Lord wants from me now.

To be content with where he has me now. 

And to be all that he has called me to be.

When I am so focused on what is not happening, the merry go round of emotions, looking at the glass half-empty, filled with bitterness and jealousy;

I am taking away from all the Lord has called me to be. 

All He has created me to be.

All the He can use me for. 

So that is my book,

if you've made it this far- congrats!

I will be honest, I tend to skip over a lot of long posts like this. 

But I hope and pray that it can also encourage some of you, too.

It is always so cool when the Lord reveals new things to you, 

even when it's not always a new concept. 

It's rejuvenating and exactly what I needed.

I felt like in a way I was running away from the fact that this was really happening.

Searching for ways to fix it.

When what I need to do rejoice in the question "Why, God?"

instead of mourning "Why, God?"

Same question.

Completely different emotions.

Different attitude.

Different view of God.
Different sense of peace.

So peaceful.

She's Too Young.

Roxie has reached a new milestone.

She's been humped.

Multiple times.

And she likes it.

We pull her away from the dog and she runs back to him.

What kind of girl are we raising??

Apparently she has caught on {we call her the sex detective}, with the many sniffs and stares and extreme awkwardness that she creates, she now thinks she is ready.

We walked into the living room the other night and saw this: 

We have some serious disciplining to do.

She is too young- just 9 months old.

We won't even tell her that there will be no "seriously fun baby-making" for her because we removed her baby-making parts.
{Is this revenge??}

Or maybe she forgot about that terrible day..

{{terrible day}}

And most importantly she needs to realize that this stuff is expensive.

This is no cheap treat.

So we went out and bought another tube putting us at a total of $40 spent on this magical product.

I hope it works. 

I have a feeling she doesn't care.

Pink, White & Boo

Well, I decided to go with my heart and do it.

I created a secret group on facebook.

I know that sounds cheesy, but that's what it is called. Secret is when no one other than the members can see/find the group, write to other and see what others in the group have written.

I was holding out, hoping that I would have some Christmas news....and I did. 

Another negative. 

Another month gone.

A few days later I saw online that two more people I know are pregnant.

I lost it. 

I couldn't help it. 

The tears.

The questions again.

I love my husband.

I love my family. 

But sometimes I just need to vent to someone who is going through the same thing.

Who understand this roller coaster.

Now.

So I decided I need to start this now.

The funny thing is this picture was taken in Fl as a good news picture that I send to my mom!
So naive...if only I knew, ha!

We will see where the Lord takes it.

Whether there are 2 girls or 20- it really doesn't matter.

Just talking to the few girls that I have has been such a relief.

Whether we have been trying for 1 month or 21 months it hurts and feels like forever, regardless.

So I created this place as a way to vent, cry, laugh, get advice, give advice, encourage, pray and support.

Again, this is totally private so whether everyone knows you are trying because you have a big mouth like me or only your husband knows, if you join this group no one will be able to see and you will be able to be encouraged and lifted. 

Trust me, I know it's hard.

I know it feels like everyone is pregnant, but you.

And I know how awesome it feels to talk with those who are also struggling. 

So since it is a "secret" group, you can't just search it on facebook to find and join. {I wish it could be like that, but in order to keep it as private as possible it needs to be like this.} So if you would like to be a member and honestly, I think the more the merrier {and the more encouragement and prayers!} leave a way for me to contact you in the comments or send me an email at thesmellylife@gmail.com  and I can send you an invite and we can set it up! 

Also if you guys feel led to mention it in your post or know someone you think would benefit please send them this way :)

**This is open to those you have struggled with fertility too- I am sure we could use your encouraging words, stories and tips as well!**

1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.."

We are praying.

Tired

Today I am tired.

Tired of waiting.

Tired of constantly being stuck in this two week cycle.

Tired of disappointment.

Tired of starting my period.

Waiting two weeks.

Trying.

Waiting two weeks.

Unsuccessful.

Wait two weeks.

Try again.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Tired.

Tired of trying not to try.

Isn't that an oxymoron anyways?

This month for the first time we tried not to try.

Whatever the heck that means.

You think about not trying while trying, knowing it's the best time to try and still secretly hope it works.

Tiring.

Today I am half way through my two weeks of waiting.

I'm tired of this game.

Of the unknown.

The expectations.

The questions.

The hopefulness.

The let downs.

The confusions.

I'm tired of not being content.

I follow Kari Jobe on twitter and a few weeks ago her status was

"God is an on time God. His ways are higher..we just have to be willing to trust..even when it's very uncomfortable."

This is, for sure, a very uncomfortable situation. A situation where we have no control. Where we do all that we can, but in the end He is the one that performs that miracle and creates life. 

Praise the Lord for His grace, mercy and love. For saving my soul and allowing me to put my trust in Him. I can't imagine going through this journey without the hope I have in Him and His plan for Mr. B and I.

Although I have my angry moments, my sad moments and my tired moments, I still take hold that He knows what is best. 

I am thankful for a God who is my strength when I am weak.

And when I am tired.

You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalms 56:8

Sometimes.

* A much needed venting/therapeutic post about our journey in trying to expand our family. We are approaching our 5th month of trying.
Dear Smelly Baby....


Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I am thinking of you.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I wonder what is taking so long.

Sometimes I realize it could be longer.

Sometimes I'm scared.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if it's me.

Sometimes I wonder if it's him.

Sometimes I wonder what the Lord is waiting for.

Sometimes I wonder why me?

Sometimes I wonder why us?

Sometimes I wonder why her?

Sometimes I wonder when?

Sometimes I walk by the baby aisle and dream.

Sometimes I walk by the baby aisle and pray.

Sometimes I walk by the baby aisle and plead.

Sometimes I look in the room I have set up for the baby I watch and wish it was your room.

Sometimes I am tired of pretending my dog is my baby.

Sometimes I just want you. 

Sometimes I'm jealous.

Sometimes I'm envious.

Sometimes I don't understand.

Sometimes I get nervous.

Sometimes I get mad.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands.

Sometimes I get frustrated.

Sometimes I don't want to hear you're still young.

Sometimes I don't want hear God has a plan.

Sometimes I need to hear that.

Sometimes I don't want to hear don't try and it will happen.

Sometimes I don't get that.

Sometimes I am at peace.

Sometimes I am hopeful.

Sometimes I wonder what I will look like carrying you in my belly.

Sometimes I wonder how sweet your daddy will look when he is holding you in his arms.

Sometimes I wonder what you will look like.

Sometimes I wonder if you will have blonde hair and blue eyes like your daddy.

Sometimes I wonder if you will have brown hair and brown eyes like your mommy.

Sometimes I wonder if you will inherit my dimple in your precious little smile.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer  I can take.

Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode because I already love you so much.

All times, I love you and pray that I can meet you soon. 

All times,  I believe I am  meant to be a mom. 

Even when I was a little girl, I believed.

Someday that will be me and you.