Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tired

Today I am tired.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of constantly being stuck in this two week cycle.
Tired of disappointment.
Tired of starting my period.
Waiting two weeks.
Trying.
Waiting two weeks.
Unsuccessful.
Wait two weeks.
Try again.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Tired.

Tired of trying not to try.
Isn't that an oxymoron anyways?
This month for the first time we tried not to try.
Whatever the heck that means.
You think about not trying while trying, knowing it's the best time to try and still secretly hope it works.
Tiring.
Today I am half way through my two weeks of waiting.
I'm tired of this game.
Of the unknown.
The expectations.
The questions.
The hopefulness.
The let downs.
The confusions.
I'm tired of not being content.

I follow Kari Jobe on twitter and a few weeks ago her status was
"God is an on time God. His ways are higher..we just have to be willing to trust..even when it's very uncomfortable."

This is, for sure, a very uncomfortable situation. A situation where we have no control. Where we do all that we can, but in the end He is the one that performs that miracle and creates life. 
Praise the Lord for His grace, mercy and love. For saving my soul and allowing me to put my trust in Him. I can't imagine going through this journey without the hope I have in Him and His plan for Mr. B and I.
Although I have my angry moments, my sad moments and my tired moments, I still take hold that He knows what is best. 

I am thankful for a God who is my strength when I am weak.
And when I am tired.


You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalms 56:8

13 comments:

Rebekah said...

I feel you! I'm in the same situation! I remind myself daily that God is God and He will bless us when he chooses.

Natalie {Extraordinary Love} said...

oh my goodness i cannot imagine going through this without the Lord or my husband! How do people do this without God?! I'm praying He'll fill you with peace. The trying but not trying thing is so hard....how do you balance it without going crazy, you know? Let me know if you figure it out haha ; )

Ashley said...

AMEN! I can't find your email addy on your blog..

Amanda said...

so thankful to have the Lord during hard times. praying that He will give you peace and comfort!

Annie said...

i'll be thinking of you hun and saying a prayer for you.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. That two week period is the absolute worst. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Em said...

I am in the same boat. It makes it a little easier to know that others are having the same struggles. I have no one to talk to because all of my friends have gotten pregnant the first month they tried. I will be praying for a little one for you guys!

Rachel and John said...

I would really like to have your email address so we can talk about this in private. Mine is rae.johnny@gmail.com

Ashley said...

I would also like your email addy as well.

Anonymous said...

Unless you are using a kit, other tracking methods aren't as accurate. If I had tried to track my cycle I would have missed my "window of opportunity". Our plan was every other day, then extend the "window" by 2 days each way and go every day.

TMI I realize, but not everything is as predictable as we hope. 10 weeks pregnant now.

Good luck to you, it is not uncommon to take 6 months to a year, even for healthy, young couples.

Melissa said...

i love that verse. will be praying for you that it happens SOON. HUGS!

Cuz I'm the mama! said...

You are doing the best you can and it's good enough!! Don't be too hard on yourself because it's so emotion. We tried and tried as well...and then ended up with twin girls. The most amazing blessing God could have ever planned for us. He knew what was right and when the timing was right, but it was not always easy to trust that. There is an amazing plan....and you are doing you best to BELIEVE!!

Anonymous said...

I was close to where you are 25 years ago. I cried every month. Now I am a Mom of two and grandmother of two. God is so good. Just want to encourage you to hang in there!