Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sometimes.

* A much needed venting/therapeutic post about our journey in trying to expand our family. We are approaching our 5th month of trying.
Dear Smelly Baby....


Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I am thinking of you.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I wonder what is taking so long.

Sometimes I realize it could be longer.

Sometimes I'm scared.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if it's me.

Sometimes I wonder if it's him.

Sometimes I wonder what the Lord is waiting for.

Sometimes I wonder why me?

Sometimes I wonder why us?

Sometimes I wonder why her?

Sometimes I wonder when?

Sometimes I walk by the baby aisle and dream.

Sometimes I walk by the baby aisle and pray.

Sometimes I walk by the baby aisle and plead.

Sometimes I look in the room I have set up for the baby I watch and wish it was your room.

Sometimes I am tired of pretending my dog is my baby.

Sometimes I just want you

Sometimes I'm jealous.

Sometimes I'm envious.

Sometimes I don't understand.

Sometimes I get nervous.

Sometimes I get mad.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands.

Sometimes I get frustrated.

Sometimes I don't want to hear you're still young.

Sometimes I don't want hear God has a plan.

Sometimes I need to hear that.

Sometimes I don't want to hear don't try and it will happen.

Sometimes I don't get that.

Sometimes I am at peace.

Sometimes I am hopeful.

Sometimes I wonder what I will look like carrying you in my belly.

Sometimes I wonder how sweet your daddy will look when he is holding you in his arms.

Sometimes I wonder what you will look like.

Sometimes I wonder if you will have blonde hair and blue eyes like your daddy.

Sometimes I wonder if you will have brown hair and brown eyes like your mommy.

Sometimes I wonder if you will inherit my dimple in your precious little smile.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer  I can take.

Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode because I already love you so much.

All timesI love you and pray that I can meet you soon. 

All times,  I believe I am  meant to be a mom. 
Even when I was a little girl, I believed.
Someday that will be me and you.

18 comments:

Rachel and John said...

I understand. I felt that way too.

Jeska said...

It's good to write down your feelings with things like this. I think almost everyone feels that way when it takes a long time to happen (what may seem like forever). But it will happen- just stay hopeful- and your time will come.

Mrs. B said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I was right there myself just a few short months ago! It's hard, whether it takes one month to get pregnant, or seven, that's ALL you can think about. At least, for me, that's all I thought about. We ended getting pregnant on lucky cycle #7, so, don't lose hope yet! My fingers are crossed for you that it doesn't take much longer. **hugs**

Kristin F. said...

I remember being in EVERY one of those moments, feeling those same things. When God finally blesses you with a baby, you'll be hard pressed to remember how hard the wait was :). Praying for you.

Ashley said...

WOW! I think you have reached out to every woman trying right now because these are the thoughts that must run through ALL of our minds!! I am to the point that a song will come on the radio and I will relate it to this.. like Come Home by One Republic (it plays on my blog (1st song you will here)) and I can't help but to think... Dear Baby... my problem is not ALOT of people know we are "trying". But thank you for posting this!!

Natalie said...

oh honey! i totally undertand. we have been trying for 13 months. it's hard. it's really hard. only God knows his plan and we just have to trust him! I know it's easier said than done. Belive me, I know.

Rachel and John said...

Will you email me? I have some answers to the questions you asked! Rae.johnny@gmail.com

April said...

Don't lose hope - it's totally normal to take that long, or even longer, to get pregnant. Every month, even if you do everything right, there's only a 20% chance that it will actually happen. Suggestions (not that you've not already heard these before...): figure out exactly when during your cycle that you're ovulating. It isn't necessarily right in the middle - it could be more toward the beginning or the end. Try not to stress about it, as that actually decreases your chances of getting pregnant. Some people have to actually stop "trying" so hard, and then it happens. And most of all, remember that God's timing is perfect, and His plans are so much greater than ours.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Oh, J, there are tears in my eyes. We love you very much and are trusting as you journey through this together. There is joy in the suffering as you have seen as we have walked our difficult path. If I have learned anything, it is this, nothing can or should take the joy of who God is in your life. You take your pain and your questions and your suffering to Him and you still give Him praise, because of who He is. I promise you, He will met you there. After two and a half years of asking Him why us, why this path, I only know it is because this is what He has chosen. I pray the same peace for you, my precious daughter of my heart!

Mama K

Ria Thurston said...

This is really eye-opening even for those of us who haven't started "trying" just to remember it COULD take some time. I love that in the bible the verse in Ecc 3 states, "HE makes ALL things beautiful in HIS time". That is soooo hard to hold onto, but I am believeing alongside you and PRAYING!

Anonymous said...

WOW! I just stumbled onto your blog linking from some others and after trying for fourteen months and having two miscarriages, your post really touched me. You'll find that some days are hard, and others easier, but no matter what, it's your experience and God is there to walk along with you. Here's praying for a happy family for both you and me! Best of luck!

Abby said...

Aw, girl. It will happen. Just know God's timing is always perfect. Praying for you!

Ashley said...

Oh sweetie, I asked every single one of those questions. We tried for 18 months. They were the longest months of my life. And I know that it doesn't always help to hear that I understand what you are feeling because every woman processes their feelings differently. But if you ever want to talk I am hear to listen. I remember feeling so irritated when people called my dog my baby! And I remember feeling so lost and hopeless. Don't lose hope though. We are all here for you! :) *hugs*

Rebekah said...

I'll be praying for you during this journey! We just started trying a few weeks ago, and I'm so excited to start this journey ourselves, but I have the same fears.

We will be moms someday! It's the one thing I'm sure of in my life, ever since I was a little girl too!

Sarah said...

aww girl I had no idea you were trying. Praying hard for you and baby smelly to be!

Kelly @ Blessed Mommy, Blessed Wife said...

I will be praying for you! They're expensive but I swear by the ovulation sticks ;)

Mama Gorka said...

Sorry girl :( It will happen soon enough just don't stress about it too much. Maybe plan a "babymoon" weekend!! You will be an excellent Mom when the time comes.

Melissa said...

This is the sweetest thing i have read in awhile! i love it. Even though it comes from some tough times... it's so well written & i can relate (even though we are not TTC - i'm waiting for hubby to be on board - he swears it will be soon?!). I am sometimes so fearful...but i was also born to be a mom. HUGS!