Monday, March 7, 2011

Bathing Suits and Butt Cracks

Our lovely tropical vacation to the islands is quickly approaching,
and the bags are starting to be packed and special new articles of clothing are being purchased.
And the 30 Day Shred quickly turned into the 3 day shred.
Seriously, this time I am going to complete it....
St. John is the perfect motivation....

but not really.

Anyways, as if shopping for summer clothes in the winter isn't bad enough-
hairy legs, pasty skin and some extra flub that was created in order to stay warm, naturally. 
As if bathing suits aren't bad enough to wear in general. 
And you've got to love that material that is made to be tight, even in the larger sizes. 
In addition to lack of material in order to expose even more.

Through all the "ewws" and "definitely not!"
Through all the sighs. 
Through all the "thank goodness it's not really summer yet and I have a couple months to really fit into these clothes",
I discovered something new today.

First of all, for those who don't really know me....
the Lord has so graciously blessed me with an abnormally high butt crack. 

::Are you feeling like this friendship has gone to a whole new level?::

Anyways, I choose my pants and my shirts carefully in order to not be mistaken for any type of plumber. 
It's not always easy though. 
Anyone else with a high butt crack can tell you that. 

Some people are extra tall and need some extra fabric in the length of the pants.
Some people are extra short and need some fabric removed.
And some people need to have pants with extra fabric on the backside, but it's extremely important to no give the appearance of wearing "mom jeans". 

It's hard to find. 
And btw- I need the extra short and the no butt crackin'. 
Imagine the difficulty.

Oh and PS if you haven't seen the SNL skit about mom jeans. 
Do it.

But this post isn't about jeans...
this is about my recent experience with bathing suit bottoms. 

I now have to choose extra butt cheeks or butt crack.
It was really hard to find a middle ground.
And of course it needs to be able to match the top so you can't just choose any normal bottom.

This is the most modest image I could find to demonstrate any type of visual.
Yes, there are other options. 
I could do a skirt bottom, but it can't be too long or too short or it doesn't look good. 
I can't do the boy short bottoms because my thighs and my booty are too big.
So if I was to get a bottom, with a majority of my options today....
 it's cheeks or crack.

Ya'll that is an very difficult place to be in. 
Which I guess in the end of the day I should be thankful that that is the most difficult choice I have to make. 
But we do need to take into consideration that this decision also affects anyone around me.....

{Sidenote: I originally had "effects anyone" then I googled it to see if it was right, and it was wrong. I will never understand the difference between those two, I thought I did...but obvs I didn't! I finally have "then" and "than" down though, so that's good enough for now.]

Needless to say, I am going back out tomorrow with hopes of finding a wider bottom.
Bathing suit bottom, that is.

I obviously don't need a wider bottom.

And I guess if I am on the search for a wider bottom, that says something about my bottom.
You would think that would be some motivation for the 30 Day Shred, wouldn't you....

To cheek or crack? 
That is the question.

Although I know we would all prefer none of the above.


Coloradoaunt said...

having been to Hawaii in the past year - I have no doubt you will smoke everyone else on the beach! Can't tell you how many times my eyes popped out of my head! Have fun!

Ashley said...

I get mixed up between the effect and affect too!! lol

You will rock any bikini.... show what your mama gave you!!

joyfullgrace said...

HAHA I totally "cracked" up at your title and just kept on laughing throughout you blog today! Yes - you are in quite a dilemma but I knowing you the way I do I bet most often you will have an adorable sun dress on and will look beautiful!!

Melissa said...

This is a hilarious post! Thank you. Haha. :) And good luck on your search!

Kendall said...

Hahahahaha!!! I vote cheeks! Ha!

I'm sure you will rock whatever you choose!

So jealous of your vacay btw!!!

Mama Laughlin said...

Haha. I'm so sorry about your extra long butt crack!
Suggestion: a retro one piece!
I LOVED mine that I got last year and they are damn near flattering on anyone!

Good Luck!

Lil' Woman said...

I'd go for cheeks over crack...cheeks seem a little more 'classier' than a butt

Anonymous said...

Oh my! :) I love your honesty! I vote for cheeks...definitely cheeks! :)

Cheap Men Suits said...

I love bathing suits and extra long suits. Will buy some the coming month.

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